|life is starting to get interesting and feeling good
||[May. 10th, 2009|11:40 pm]
Lately my life is so strange and new to me that i quite often think if it’s really real. What a magnificent amount of changes have been going on…. Like a Phoenix, I am reborn from my own ashes, and starting a new completely.
I have learned that what at first may seem like a catastrophe may be quite the opposite and when you thought you have lost everything again, it may as well be just the beginning of everything you have to gain. And Friday the 13th is now my favorite day.
That´s my intro. For a wee bit of background, let me tell you that after yet another severe clinical depression, on October 24th 2008, circa 3 am, it all snapped inside and I got the CLICK I so desperately needed. I shouted “ENOUGH!”, and after a sleepless night thinking about a gazillion things at once, my entire outlook on life, people, things, existence, needs, desires, everything started to switch.
So I started practicing, improving, healing, and by February I was ready to go back to work. Started it off great, changing everything I touched and started a revolution in the office by attempting a makeover.
More importantly, I finally started building a real relationship with my grandfather. Not only professional, but more importantly personal. We were finally getting to know each other and bonding. Until someone came into that, and ruined it all.
February 13th, Friday, 9-something am. Slammed the door behind me as I quit living someone elses dreams, after disregarding my own 15 years ago and totally wasting a life I might even not have had, but that I had dreamed so strongly… but I wanted to have TRIED.
What’s done is done I say now. The past cannot be changed, but the present is ours to take. And that’s what I have been doing.
I have dreams again, goals, wills, hopes, and so much more. And this time I WILL try… Every little thing I can do for me, I will TRY and do it. Wasted way to many chances cos I never got to even … try. Breaking my own barriers, fighting my fears, setting my goals, challenging myself, what a thrill it has been. And how delicious CHANGE tastes. I eat so much of eat, I guess that’s why I can´t lose the weight :D
And I have reached out to the past. Not to the people I was “supposed” to reach out to, according to my therapist (the bad ones), but to people that meant so much to me that it now hurt not to have them somewhere in reach.
So I did it….. Gave 3 shots in the dark trying t find them, and I never thought I could aim so well. Meeting up with this part of my past has me almost speechless and so emotional, I don´t know what to say.
I never have expectations on anything or anyone, so what I can say is that I seriously hope things go well, develop, and I can have a “normal” life again. With my self and others. I need that. I crave it. But….. if it doesn’t happen…. I will for sure deal with it differently.
This is all so new to me, I have no idea how to make sense.